Top 210 Mark Twain Quotes

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“The secret of getting ahead is getting started.”

― Mark Twain

“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”

― Mark Twain

“A person who won’t read has no advantage over one who can’t read.”

― Mark Twain

“Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.”

― Mark Twain

“It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”

― Mark Twain

“Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.”

― Mark Twain

“You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.”

― Mark Twain

“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.”

― Mark Twain

“Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.”

― Mark Twain

“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.”

― Mark Twain

“Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.”

― Mark Twain

“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.”

― Mark Twain

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”

― Mark Twain

“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”

― Mark Twain

“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.”

― Mark Twain

“There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.”

― Mark Twain

“Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.”

― Mark Twain

“It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.”

― Mark Twain

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

― Mark Twain

“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”

― Mark Twain

“Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.”

― Mark Twain

“All generalizations are false, including this one.”

― Mark Twain

“The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.”

― Mark Twain

“The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.”

― Mark Twain

“When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.”

― Mark Twain

“A man’s character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.”

― Mark Twain

“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.”

― Mark Twain

“If it’s your job to eat a frog, it’s best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it’s your job to eat two frogs, it’s best to eat the biggest one first.”

― Mark Twain

“Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.”

― Mark Twain

“The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter – ’tis the difference between the lightning-bug and the lightning.”

― Mark Twain

“Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.”

― Mark Twain

“Don’t let schooling interfere with your education.”

― Mark Twain

“There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.”

― Mark Twain

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”

― Mark Twain

“It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.”

― Mark Twain

“The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.”

― Mark Twain

“Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.”

― Mark Twain

“When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.”

― Mark Twain

“A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape.”

― Mark Twain

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”

― Mark Twain

“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”

― Mark Twain

“Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.”

― Mark Twain

“Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.”

― Mark Twain

“Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn’t.”

― Mark Twain

“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.”

― Mark Twain

“The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.”

― Mark Twain

“We have the best government that money can buy.”

― Mark Twain

“When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.”

― Mark Twain

“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”

― Mark Twain

“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell – you see, I have friends in both places.”

― Mark Twain

“Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.”

― Mark Twain

“Loyalty to the Nation all the time, loyalty to the Government when it deserves it.”

― Mark Twain

“It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.”

― Mark Twain

“Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.”

― Mark Twain

“As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake.”

― Mark Twain

“Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.”

― Mark Twain

“Let us endeavor so to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.”

― Mark Twain

“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”

― Mark Twain

“There is no distinctly American criminal class – except Congress.”

― Mark Twain

“Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.”

― Mark Twain

“Laws control the lesser man… Right conduct controls the greater one.”

― Mark Twain

“The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.”

― Mark Twain

“Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.”

― Mark Twain

“Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.”

― Mark Twain

“A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.”

― Mark Twain

“She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot.”

― Mark Twain

“It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races.”

― Mark Twain

“We are all alike, on the inside.”

― Mark Twain

“It ain’t those parts of the Bible that I can’t understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.”

― Mark Twain

“I came in with Halley’s Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don’t go out with Halley’s Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: ‘Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.’”

― Mark Twain

“Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today.”

― Mark Twain

“I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any.”

― Mark Twain

“The Christian’s Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.”

― Mark Twain

“Optimist: day dreamer more elegantly spelled.”

― Mark Twain

“Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.”

― Mark Twain

“Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.”

― Mark Twain

“Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel.”

― Mark Twain

“Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.”

― Mark Twain

“Do not tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don’t tell them where they know the fish.”

― Mark Twain

“There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.”

― Mark Twain

“In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.”

― Mark Twain

“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.”

― Mark Twain

“The lack of money is the root of all evil.”

― Mark Twain

“What a wee little part of a person’s life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.”

― Mark Twain

“Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation.”

― Mark Twain

“Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.”

― Mark Twain

“But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?”

― Mark Twain

“One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.”

― Mark Twain

“It put our energies to sleep and made visionaries of us – dreamers and indolent… It is good to begin life poor; it is good to begin life rich – these are wholesome; but to begin it prospectively rich! The man who has not experienced it cannot imagine the curse of it.”

― Mark Twain

“Under certain circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.”

― Mark Twain

“A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.”

― Mark Twain

“It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.”

― Mark Twain

“Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.”

― Mark Twain

“Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.”

― Mark Twain

“It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.”

― Mark Twain

“Golf is a good walk spoiled.”

― Mark Twain

“To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.”

― Mark Twain

“The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little.”

― Mark Twain

“Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.”

― Mark Twain

“I can live for two months on a good compliment.”

― Mark Twain

“Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‘we.’”

― Mark Twain

“Necessity is the mother of taking chances.”

― Mark Twain

“How lucky Adam was. He knew when he said a good thing, nobody had said it before.”

― Mark Twain

“Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.”

― Mark Twain

“There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.”

― Mark Twain

“Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man’s, I mean.”

― Mark Twain

“To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal.”

― Mark Twain

“The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.”

― Mark Twain

“I never smoke to excess – that is, I smoke in moderation, only one cigar at a time.”

― Mark Twain

“It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.”

― Mark Twain

“Drag your thoughts away from your troubles… by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.”

― Mark Twain

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

― Mark Twain

“Man was made at the end of the week’s work, when God was tired.”

― Mark Twain

“The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.”

― Mark Twain

“Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”

― Mark Twain

“The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.”

― Mark Twain

“All emotion is involuntary when genuine.”

― Mark Twain

“Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.”

― Mark Twain

“Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.”

― Mark Twain

“I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.”

― Mark Twain

“No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon.”

― Mark Twain

“In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.”

― Mark Twain

“When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.”

― Mark Twain

“Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.”

― Mark Twain

“India has 2,000,000 gods and worships them all. In religion, all other countries are paupers; India is the only millionaire.”

― Mark Twain

“Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.”

― Mark Twain

“’Classic.’ A book which people praise and don’t read.”

― Mark Twain

“All right, then, I’ll go to hell.”

― Mark Twain

“Everything has its limit – iron ore cannot be educated into gold.”

― Mark Twain

“Man is the only animal that blushes – or needs to.”

― Mark Twain

“A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.”

― Mark Twain

“Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn’t.”

― Mark Twain

“Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.”

― Mark Twain

“Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.”

― Mark Twain

“God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.”

― Mark Twain

“George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie.”

― Mark Twain

“Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it.”

― Mark Twain

“The educated Southerner has no use for an ‘r’, except at the beginning of a word.”

― Mark Twain

“Don’t say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.”

― Mark Twain

“Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain’t so.”

― Mark Twain

“There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one – keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.”

― Mark Twain

“It’s no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.”

― Mark Twain

“The trouble ain’t that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain’t distributed right.”

― Mark Twain

“Substitute ‘damn’ every time you’re inclined to write ‘very’; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.”

― Mark Twain

“If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.”

― Mark Twain

“Better a broken promise than none at all.”

― Mark Twain

“The more you explain it, the more I don’t understand it.”

― Mark Twain

“The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.”

― Mark Twain

“Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.”

― Mark Twain

“The finest clothing made is a person’s own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this.”

― Mark Twain

“It is easier to stay out than get out.”

― Mark Twain

“The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.”

― Mark Twain

“When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.”

― Mark Twain

“My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.”

― Mark Twain

“Be careless in your dress if you must, but keep a tidy soul.”

― Mark Twain

“The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.”

― Mark Twain

“Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself.”

― Mark Twain

“My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.”

― Mark Twain

“I make it a rule never to smoke while I’m sleeping.”

― Mark Twain

“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.”

― Mark Twain

“Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.”

― Mark Twain

“Why shouldn’t truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.”

― Mark Twain

“I never let schooling interfere with my education.”

― Mark Twain

“I don’t give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.”

― Mark Twain

“Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.”

― Mark Twain

“Don’t part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.”

― Mark Twain

“By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.”

― Mark Twain

“It is just like man’s vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.”

― Mark Twain

“Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.”

― Mark Twain

“Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.”

― Mark Twain

“Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man himself cannot be written.”

― Mark Twain

“I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.”

― Mark Twain

“Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.”

― Mark Twain

“If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but deteriorate the cat.”

― Mark Twain

“There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.”

― Mark Twain

“When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.”

― Mark Twain

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”

― Mark Twain

“What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.”

― Mark Twain

“Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits.”

― Mark Twain

“I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.”

― Mark Twain

“The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.”

― Mark Twain

“Ideally a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his own.”

― Mark Twain

“Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.”

― Mark Twain

“Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.”

― Mark Twain

“In ‘Huckleberry Finn,’ I have drawn Tom Blankenship exactly as he was. He was ignorant, unwashed, insufficiently fed; but he had as good a heart as ever any boy had.”

― Mark Twain

“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.”

― Mark Twain

“The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession.”

― Mark Twain

“Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.”

― Mark Twain

“The Public is merely a multiplied ‘me.’”

― Mark Twain

“When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.”

― Mark Twain

“The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives.”

― Mark Twain

“Buy land, they’re not making it anymore.”

― Mark Twain

“Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.”

― Mark Twain

“I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.”

― Mark Twain

“Familiarity breeds contempt – and children.”

― Mark Twain

“Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.”

― Mark Twain

“Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered – either by themselves or by others.”

― Mark Twain

“Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.”

― Mark Twain

“When in doubt tell the truth.”

― Mark Twain

“He is now rising from affluence to poverty.”

― Mark Twain

“Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.”

― Mark Twain

“Prosperity is the best protector of principle.”

― Mark Twain

“The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all.”

― Mark Twain

“Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.”

― Mark Twain

“There are lies, damned lies and statistics.”

― Mark Twain

“It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.”

― Mark Twain

“It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.”

― Mark Twain

“Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.”

― Mark Twain

“We Americans… bear the ark of liberties of the world.”

― Mark Twain

“Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks.”

― Mark Twain
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