Top 26 Tommy Cooper Quotes of 2020

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“I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.”

― Tommy Cooper

“A woman tells her doctor, ‘I’ve got a bad back.’ The doctor says, ‘It’s old age.’ The woman says, ‘I want a second opinion.’ The doctor says: ‘Okay – you’re ugly as well.’”

― Tommy Cooper

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’”

― Tommy Cooper

“Electricity is a wonderful thing. Do you realise that if we didn’t have electricity, we’d be watching television by candle light?”

― Tommy Cooper

“Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.”

― Tommy Cooper

“I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, ‘Have you got frog’s legs?’ He said, ‘Yes,’ so I said, ‘Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.’”

― Tommy Cooper

“Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.”

― Tommy Cooper

“Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.”

― Tommy Cooper

“So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’”

― Tommy Cooper

“I’m on a whisky diet… last week, I lost three days!”

― Tommy Cooper

“So he said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.’ I thought ‘That’s a turn-up for the books.’”

― Tommy Cooper

“A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: ‘Can I help, sir?’ ‘No thanks,’ says the blind bloke. ‘Just looking.’”

― Tommy Cooper

“So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’”

― Tommy Cooper

“I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.”

― Tommy Cooper

“Last night I slept like a log. I woke up in the fire place.”

― Tommy Cooper

“My wife said, ‘Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet.’ I said, ‘chocolate fudge.’”

― Tommy Cooper

“I’m recovering from a cold. I’m so full of penicillin that, if I sneeze, I’ll cure someone.”

― Tommy Cooper

“I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said, ‘Which way?’”

― Tommy Cooper

“My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails, but I cured her. I hid her teeth.”

― Tommy Cooper

“Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet – it was a marriage of convenience!”

― Tommy Cooper

“They always say start at the bottom if you want to learn something. But suppose you want to learn to swim?”

― Tommy Cooper

“It doesn’t matter how many times the audience has heard it before. If it’s funny, it’s funny.”

― Tommy Cooper

“I haven’t got an ad lib for people throwing bread rolls at my hat.”

― Tommy Cooper

“I’ve got a wife who never misses me. Her aim is perfect!”

― Tommy Cooper

“I always sit in the back of a plane. It’s much safer. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain!”

― Tommy Cooper

“The town was so dull: one day the tide went out, and it never came back.”

― Tommy Cooper
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